I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
