I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
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