My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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