half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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