Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
