I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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