guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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