11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
