i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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