Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
