the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Randomize
