So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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