Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
