If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
