hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
