God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
