This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
