It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
