Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
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