Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize