I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
