Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
