Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
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