its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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