mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
