I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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