Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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