I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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