It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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