I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
