I just saw a hot homeless man
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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