I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
