Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
