Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
