I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
