i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
