The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
