They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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