he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
