im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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