she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Let's paint friendship bongs
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize