glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize