I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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