You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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