dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I need to calm my uterus...
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
