Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
organizing the empties. That sober.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
