he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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