Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize