I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
