At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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