But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
