i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
