She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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