It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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