please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
