My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
