Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
