not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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