Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
