Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
