you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
